It’s funny, when I started my journey I was so caught up in trying to be myself that I kinda forgot about just living my life.
What do I mean by that?, well, in the early days when I first started going out in public and presenting as female, it was all about the occasion, all about the glam, about going away for nights out or weekends away with the girls.
It became an overwhelming need and if you like obsession to present as my female self as much as I could. If I spent too long between such occasions then I would feel a build up inside me that needed to be released, my wife could sense this in me.
Since the beginning of this year (2017), I have been living pretty much fulltime, the default persona has now shifted almost completely to my female self.
One major thing I have noticed is that life is now so uneventful, so everyday and what was once an obsession is now just ordinary, comfortable and relaxing.
I wake up sometimes wondering if I’ve missed something, was the pain and trauma that I caused myself and others worth the effort for this? Did I really need to breakout, release myself from those chains holding me back and crash into the world?
You have to relearn…
Is this buyers regret? Is this why you hear stories of people de-transitioning, the reality doesn’t live up to the hype? Life isn’t one big party, people don’t want to congratulate you for this big life changing event, instead the need to earn a living, go shopping, getting the car washed and just carry on with the everyday needs of existence are there slap bang in your face everyday, and things just got that little bit harder. A little bit harder because you have to relearn, deal with scenarios in a slightly different way, get used to being treated differently, adjust the way you express yourself so you blend in with society’s expectation of a 50 year old woman.
I started to long for comfy shoes, outfits I can just slip on and go, I didn’t spend 30 minutes taking selfies and pictures of my self for social media. My make up routine became as minimalistic as I could get it, I dressed for me, in fact I dressed to blend in with the occasion, I didn’t want to stand out and advertise myself.
Something strange happened just recently, I started to miss not feeling extra special about myself or taking a little extra pride in my appearance, I was getting tired of my new casual skinny jeans and a t-shirt look. I wanted to take a little more effort, wear a dress or a skirt from time to time, still just doing the ordinary day to day things. As a result of this, I have now started to enjoy getting ready for a big night out, choosing an outfit, buying something new and making an effort.
No longer about seeking my next fix…
My tastes and enjoyment returned to my old self, cinema, walks in the country, sightseeing and spending time with my close family and old friends. I found myself not having to revolve around seeking my next fix. I didn’t have to chose between spending time with my wife and going out, I could just be myself, I could have a night in front of the telly.
I think I was trying to purge my obsession, make sure this was real…
I have always said that for me it wasn’t about the clothes, the makeup or the heels. It has always been about who I am inside, the naked person standing in front the mirror, authentic and honest with myself.
From time to time I look back and reflect, I wonder if this journey was necessary, worth the price, was it really what I needed to do for myself to be happy? It’s questions that I often ponder, I know that I don’t have any regrets, I certainly don’t wish things were different. If I had seen through the demo and into the future before then would I have chosen this path, the easy answer is “Yes most definitely”.
This is not actual game footage…
But as they say in the Call of Duty adverts “this is not actual game footage“… the reality of transitioning is a completely different reality from the practice.
I know that I still have a long way to go, and I am certainly not basing my future on a test drive any more… I’m living it, and putting my own mileage on the clock!