We have all had that car… the one that was sporty, our dream. The one we took on the open road and it made us feel great about ourselves. We took it out, showed it off to our friends and proudly looked after it, we even polished it and waxed it. We even “named” it…
One day I work up and we realised that my 2 doors were not enough for everyone else! They needed more, it was too expensive, impractical, or was it thst just that it no longer fitted in with our life style.
Thst day arrived, the low loader pulled up to take the car away, that we so reluctantly traded it in for something more practical, to be our new dear old “kermie”, the old model just wasn’t working for us any more.
[Yes, we did name our cars and gave them personalities (sad I know)… but there we are.]
Well. it was today that as we waved goodbye to “kermie” that I realised that I no longer had enough doors, I no longer made those around me happy, my life was complicated, too sporty or different and caused others to reject me.
The elephant in the room is that “I am transgender”, it’s not a secret, the world has known for 2.5 years.
The problem is that “society” has decided that “Trans is weird” or not normal, therefore it gives permission for my children and father to treat me as someone they feel empowered to reject as a joke, or someone who needs fixing. In turn that manifests itself in motherly love defending the children’s right to be confused and to be upset, to be allowed to say what they say about me! – They feel empowered to reject me as “the problem”, after all it was my choice, I created this situation, not them.
Yes, I can suck this up, roll with it, make excuses that society isn’t ready just yet (but when?)… I have been doing that for the past 24 months (nay 53 years), but at some point I have to accept that I only have 2 doors.
I can’t magically add an extension to accommodate their needs. Faced with the prospect of rejection and Christmas on my own, no family, no happy day, I was fortunate to be invite to celebrate with a friend – for the first time in my life, 53 years, without family on Christmas Day – ok I am lucky to have good friends.
Two doors are not enough! why are not?, so please don’t judge me. I had to “just accept this”, my fault, what did I expect, it was me that’s ruined things!
There does come a time where you have to put a stake in the ground – the oppression, bigotry, societal view of gender constructs has to be called out – I am ok, it’s not me.
I wasn’t expecting to be doing this on “Black Eye Friday” but hey ho or is that Ho Ho! ?
But yes, it’s not easy, but to be repeatedly told that I am a joke, a liar, someone who has no respect for everyone else has taken its toll. Authenticity and honesty are important.
I can’t wish my life was different, as that would deny my marriage and my children’s existence. I am proud of my life and if times were different, 31 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to live 2 lives in secret.
So, the point of this blog? – the pressures of conformity, how we are expected to behave and our role in society, work and our family are so entrenched we cannot easily escape our box.
My hope is that 20 years from now, no one will have to transition, we will have sorted this out way earlier in our lives without negativity or judgement.
We are just people, embrace us, without punishment for your pain!
2019 – it’s a new dawn and a new day – freedom is a powerful feeling, to be yourself is a powerful – better to be alone than live in a relationship or family environment that doesn’t work – not just me, everyone!
2 doors are enough!